| shirley riechlin |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|02:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
what many of you don't know is how close I have always been to my grandma....was I was young I would spend at least two weeks a month at her apartment...I used to put on silly little performances for her...she would close her eyes during and I would get mad and she would tell me she was only resting her eyes which I didn't learn till much later that ur eyes didn't need rest and she would fall asleep...she would wake up later and we would dance around to laurence welk...the next day it was time to stop at the bank then the grocery store..then back home in time for price is right during which she would cook me my fave...french bread pizza and bread with farmer cheese...when she later moved to a retirement home I would go all the time and entertain Grammie and all her friends...then bingo and waterobics...she is such an amazing woman...through her life she has lost two husbands...both to heat attacks...but she kept going...I have always been her pride and joy...she carries around sooo many pics of me and can't wait to show people...I love doing anything to make her smile and when I lived in Tampa I would always bring her flowers on mothers day...we would spend later afternoons reading through her old poetry books...oh captain my captain always being our favorite...I have never asked this b4 but please pray for my grammie...she has been in the hospital since the weekend b4 last and I just don't know what I would do if I lost her....she has always been there for me and now I am a thousand miles away and can't be there for her....it makes me sick with guilt...she is almost 90 and I'm scared..I leave you with the beast poem ever written
O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart! 5
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
2
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills; 10
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck, 15
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
3
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won; 20
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead. |
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| I"m pathetic |
[Jun. 18th, 2009|10:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I just cooked a great dinner and bought awesome beer and now I am sitting on my couch with my cat enjoying....just seems a little sad to do alone but oh well I guess |
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| so |
[May. 11th, 2009|03:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | mad world | ] |
as fast as things go good they go bad...I can't believe people lie when they tell you they love you...thats really bad...oh well back out into the ocean for me....hoping the next guy to tell me he loves me really does...it never gets any easier...breaking up is hard to do...as said in a great song...the worst thing is he met a bunch of my family...my friends that live out of town...so I have to deal with everyone asking about him and then telling them we broke up |
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| so much new shit |
[Apr. 17th, 2009|06:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | alexandria bitches! | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | barking and meowing haha | ] |
I have soooo much to update you guys on!!!I will go in order of when it happened...first of all I have an amazing new boyfriend named micky...he is cute and sweet and just fucking awesome!! next up I adopted the most adorable kitten in the world...she is long haired and grey....Amanda says she looks like a opossum but I think she is perfect!!! and finally I got a second job bartending at the shenadoah brewing company....I start tonight...so things have been really awesome lately!!out of no where things got really great and I am enjoying every moment....I went to see aloha and rogue wave in the past couple weeks both shows were awesome...the weather is beautiful 70's and clear skies...spring is really the best time of year! |
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| soo |
[Apr. 1st, 2009|03:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I kinda flipped out on someone at work today...they tried to make a joke about me and voices in my head....thats not funny to me..I lost a friend to schizophrenia....I lost him b/c the voice in his head was too strong and I don't think its a cute thing to joke about...he was one of the most intelligent people I have ever known and I can't stand the ignorance of people who just know stupid tee shirt lines and lame comebacks and don't understand the real conations!! |
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| soo have decided |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|08:37 pm] |
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you know how most people have new years resolutions well I have a summer resolution...by this summer I resolve to be skinny and cute again..I have gained weight and I hate it...I feel like blimp...okay so I didn't gain much but I am a small person and it bothers me...so I shall hit the lame apartment gym till I am happy again!! |
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| the reason |
[Mar. 20th, 2009|08:06 pm] |
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I hate being alone is that I stress myself out about things that I don't need too...my roomates are gone for a week and in their absence I have made some fun plans and started to stress myself out...I think I am going to get out of the house....I over think things when I don't have people around to talk to |
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| I miss |
[Mar. 12th, 2009|12:52 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the district | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | meatloaf-bat oughta hell haha | ] |
when times were simpler....like high school...I loved going to punk shows and thrashing in the pit to great bands like the circle jerks and propagandhi (haha kelly)....I had been with the same guy for years and wasn't worried about looking for love...I worked at the movie theatre and enjoyed all the movies for free and only worked for extra money and not a million bills...I wasn't too worried about what I was going to do with my life...I had my theatre family and we would prank call people from the back room and go to sacred grounds and talk for hours drinking overpriced coffee and laughing all night...school was fun and I could sleep in vet class and not get in trouble...I dreamed of hopping trains and traveling the country though I knew I would end up just going to college haha...drinking was something you did on the weekends with friends and it felt more fun to know you weren't supposed to be doing it...competition just meant reading a monoluge in front of judges and not trying to get a certain job...HOSA and parli pro...failing just meant you had to go to summer school and that really wasn't too bad...if only there was a summer school for life...swing dancing the night away on thurs. nights...talking politics with great conviction and meaning it....believing I would only listen to punk forever haha...can I go back....I would like to go back and start over from that |
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[Jan. 24th, 2009|10:44 pm] |
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I am being stupid and I need to stop this right now!!!! I am already going against what I said and I am pissing myself off |
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| in honor |
[Jan. 23rd, 2009|11:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
of the upcoming holiday....corporate bullshit day as I like to call it I would like to reflect on my love life...this will be my first valentines day alone since I was 14 years old...I moved up here with all these fantastic ideas that I had found the most amazing guy and we were going to have one awesome adventure after another....even if those meant just the two of us being silly at home....I was a silly girl and thought nothing could go wrong..we loved the same things...we had the most amazing times together and he could make me smile more than anyone I had every met...and then reality set in...he smoked WAY too much pot....he was more then happy just sitting around the apartment all day...so the adventures outside said apartment became more nonexistent...and then finally he was a really bad liar...he spent the night in his ex gf's bed and lied about everything involved in the night..from where he started the night out to where he ended it....the worst thing was this wasn't the first time he had lied about the same girl...I know I have probably written about this b4 but its better to get it out as much as possible...after I broke it off for the second and final time, he tried his hardest to get me back but I realized the old saying was true....fool me once...your fault....fool me twice...my fault...and since he had already fooled me three times I couldn't let myself look any worse...I still love him but I can't pretend everything is okay...I know everytime he would tell me he was somewhere or doing something I would wonder if he was telling the truth...then I tried(badly)to date up here...the guys up here make me miss the colorful interesting guys back home...I have been told I am too wild for them when I'm not that wild at all...I miss tattoos and tight pants haha...everyone up here wears dull dark colors and acts like they have a stick up their ass...sadly I have even digressed to being willing to date 19 year olds...female 19 years olds are annoyingly immature let alone guys...so I spend my off nights watching the history channel and then going dancing...so,like every night I can be the third wheel to my roomate and her bf...I know they try their hardest to never make me feel that way but when you are sitting at the bar alone next to them while they make out you can't help but to feel a little sad...so I finally gave up completely on finding a guy up here...they say you will find him when you give up and frankly I don't care anymore..I don't believe said statement b/c even saying that means you are in fact still looking....so my new idea of a love life will be straightening my life out and making it into what I want to be...at a month short of 23 years old I can't stand waitressing...being yelled at by a guy maybe 5 or 6 years my senior everyday is really obnoxious ...so I was offered a job at a law office and the opportunity at a little help getting into law school so theres the first step....a real 9 to 5 job with benefits...if you have read this far you have less of a life then me so I will end on a happy note...when life hands you lemons make lemonade...I say rim a glass with sugar...squeeze those lemons with vodka and lets go dancing!! |
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| I resolve |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|04:10 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dc bitches | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | none the roomate is fast asleep :) | ] |
to get out of this funk I have been in for months...I don't even think my friends have noticed but I have not been myself lately...I don't know if its depression over how my life is now..the fact that no matter how hard I work I never have enough money or that my relationships always end in terrible ways...but I am determined to find me again...for the past few months when I go out, I am not the out going fun-loving person I used to be...I used to love to meet new people...but now I just shyly stand by as my friends do their thing...that has never been me..I have always been a leader...the first to start up conversation with a stupid joke or crazy comment...the first to get everyone talking...I wonder if my self confidence has faultered since the last break up and realization of not being able to make ends meet...I can't even talk to my father about finances without crying bc I know he really dosen't have the money to lend me and I don't know what to do....I know I can make it...I used to be an amazingly positive person...I resolve to start working out...not to make myself look better for the opposite sex but to feel like I am bettering myself...I resolve to drag my ass out of bed on days I don't have work and explore this great city I have been living in for the past 6 months....hop on the metro(the subway up here) and see what this place can offer me!...I am done taking the backseat in my own life....I have to do community service so I am going to find something that really makes me feel good doing and do it!...if you see or here me complaining...do me a favor and tell me to shut the fuck up and do something about it!! I know I have it in me and now I just need to prove it to my goddamned self! |
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| to being fucking rad! |
[Dec. 30th, 2008|07:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | less than jake | ] |
when I think of this year I think of struggle...with school,with money,with guys,I hope next year things will be easier...next year I hope to find a great job, get back in school, and just learn that just being me is fucking rad...I am glad I moved....sorry Tampa but you would have destroyed me I am sure....my first new years out of Florida and I hope its as great as I think it will be...DC show me a good time haha |
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[Dec. 24th, 2008|05:59 am] |
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I broke my mothers heart...I know I did...but she deserved to know how what she did in the past made me feel...how I never forgot....how she tried to avoid it and pretend it never happened....but I won't let that happen...I'm sorry...she tries to tell me what a fuck I am...I have to show her she isn't any better |
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[Dec. 14th, 2008|12:32 am] |
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I need this away time....I need to objectively think about everything going on in DC...I can't believe he called to fight with me b4 I had to get up at 7am for a 12 hour drive |
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[Dec. 11th, 2008|03:26 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | VA | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the fucking disjwasher...I think its broken | ] |
I try to replace him...with going out...with other dudes...with anything I can think of...but when I sign online and I see the same girl that broke us up is still commenting on his page...it kills me...I tried washing dishes and cleaning to take my mind off it...I tried having a couple beers to help me sleep but all and all it still hurts...deeply...I have to be up for work soon but my mind is racing...how can someone say they love you then act otherwise.....how can he leave me soo many messages saying he still loves me but he is obviously still in contact with her...why can't this be easy...I am soooo tired of BS....fuck I have only 3 real friends up here and they all try to help me not talk to him...thank you guys by the way...amanda I am sorry for snapping at you...I just was negatively getting my aggression out..I felt terrible afterwards...I love you...I want to be okay..I want to not care but I don't know how...caring has always been a downfall of mine...I wish emotions were like a water tap, but its not that easy...Panda you were right that day when you said he was going to break my heart...if only I had listened |
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| busy busy |
[Nov. 30th, 2008|09:39 pm] |
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so I got two new jobs!! one at hard rock cafe and the other at a fancier place called gordon and biersch...I am not sure which one to keep just of yet....one encourages me to be different while the other wants me to cover it up but the latter would make me more money..I guess it comes down to what would really make me happy...in other news it might snow for Hannukauh and that makes a small jew very happy!!!....my relationship life hasn't gotten any better..its a stagnant crap but oh well...it reminds me of Eric and I after we broke up...the constant seeing each other or not when we want and not when the other person does but I am going to immerse myself in work and celebration of the holiday...potatoe latkas and wine for everyone haha..ps dear Tampa I am coming to visit the 14th through the 25th...I expect to see everyone!! |
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| which way to happy |
[Nov. 21st, 2008|09:15 am] |
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I am slowly but surely starting to hate life and everyone around me...I am disenchanted with everything...I feel like since I moved everything in my life has fallen apart....the holidays start really soon (the 5th) and I don't even feel like celebrating...I have to drag myself out of bed everyday b/c I don't see a reason to get up...I hate everyone I meet and I don't even enjoy meeting new people...if you know me you will know how big of a deal that is...even my friends are getting on my nerves... you don't need to protect me from myself...I am very capable of doing it...plus everyone who comes to my apartment is a stranger being as how we know no one up here |
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| reposted from Amandas journal about the weekend |
[Nov. 13th, 2008|09:29 pm] |
*karens bf died on saturday
*i sprained my ankle saturday
* ran into a dj on the side of the road and made prank calls to some assholes..
* almost got into a fight with bright eyes..( short version of the story, i see some guy taking advantage of this girl who is trashed..i go over and get in his face...he pulls out his bright eyes badge cuz they just played a show and i say thats nice i dont care what band your in.. then he pisses off some more people and next thing you know theres 3 of us against him.. good thing his fellow band mates decided to get him a taxi)
* we saw a cop accidentally crash into a car..
* i have a stalker..actually we have a stalker. she is scary..
ok so i'm doing a little better financially.. still struggling. i know where i've been fucking up and i know how to fix it. and i was planning on doing so except i sprained my ankle like a dumbass and i dont really know how to go about things on crutches without looking lame..
edit by Jackie on last night
*scamus lost his wallet....found it in the car
*Amanda attempted to dance to the bad 80's music with crutches
*I danced with a domanatrix...seriously she was going to the hotel room she rents for work after
*met a hot schizo chick....she was like I hate Amanda...I love Amanda...yelled at my friend from Tampa for finding her glove...yeah bitch was crazy but I guess we are pretty crazy too
*someone thought my friend was in a band that opened for bright eyes
*I avoided the door guy who works at the cat all night.....oddly found him watching me
*sent awesomely funny mean texts to a guy back in Tampa that sucks at life...he called us a butterduck...I have no idea what that fucking is haha
*ate at an italian restraunt where everyone that worked there including the kitchen was ethiopian
*found out that they have a velvet rope at the fucking diner
*I am sure there is more but I can't think of anything right now |
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[Nov. 10th, 2008|12:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | B-more | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
I am done with drama....somehow I got myself involved in a whole bunch of drama without even trying....I listened to a new friend tell me how my boyfriend had wronged me....considering she was one of his best friends I listened and she held me while I cryed and gave me the advice that I should break up with him...I did...I mean what she said was so horribly wrong to me....she told me not to tell him it was her that told me b/c she knew he would be mad at her...so I didn't....even though he begged me b/c it hurt him sooo much that someone close to him was spreading shit about him which he told me wasn't true...she told me she would tell him soon just not right now and I believed her b/c well who the fuck knows...So the outcoming of this is so ridiculous...my now ex boyfriend-who is not my ex b/c of what she said but when I confronted him he told me that was lies and he was going to come clean and tell me the truth...which was that he had spent the night in his exes bed with her and that was too much so THAT is why we are no longer together....and then my exes two best friends hate me....one b/c she says I told him she told me...LIE he figured that shit out...its not fucking hard....and the other for not telling him who told me because he accused her!....this is fucking ridiculous and I am fed up...I want to tell all of them to get the fuck out of my life and stay out...I did not move a thousand miles for this bullshit drama...if I want drama I could have stayed back in fucking Tampa!....so my question for you if you read all that...I still care about my ex but now that you know what he did and the bullshit I would have to deal with....should I just cut him and all of it completely out of my life?? |
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| philly |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|09:35 pm] |
thank you philly for such a crazy time!!! I got there on halloween and went to this thing called draculas ball...on the way there Nadir and I shared a bottle of sailor jerry and he dosen't remember drinking in an alley...smoking cigarettes in the subway or peeing next to a bush and not behind it which was hilarious...when we finally got there (b/c Nadir drunkingly insisted we get off two stops too soon) we went in...danced a bunch and then when I went to get a drink they said that I needed a wristband so I had to go back outside and get that..we spent the night at his friends house..who was deathly ill so we jetted out of there and off to South St. where we saw one of his friends working at a sex shop and found the next place we would be crashing well supposedly...met up with Nadir's ex boyfriend...broke onto a pirate ship and took silly pics and stole a piece off it as a souveneir..got into a hackey sack game with random people on a bridge over I-95 and then got free drink cards from the guy that worked at the tobacco shop...met up with the girl who worked at the sex shop and went to another girls B day party...drank and smoked cigarretes on a rooftop all night and Nadir ends up passing out on the living room floor...not having anywhere to crash I go back to these cool new people I just mets apartment...a couple and a guy with dreds and proceed to drink more and then wake up and be handed a beer...drank for several more hours that afternoon then it was time to go see saw 4...movie was alright I guess..my love of horror movies just told me it wasn't that great...I have never really been a huge fan of the saw series! but everyone else loved it..oh yeah and that was after too failed attempts to get more booze to take to the movie theatre...we even drove to Jersey...then off to meet back up with Nadir at the chicks place(for the life of me I can't remember her name but she had pink hair)some delicious philly pizza and then some video game playing...up the next day at 1pm..more video game playing and then drove back....all and all thanks philly for the good time..I will be sure to visit again...I have a bunch of new crazy friends...PS Phe is awesome...pps why does everyone in philly go by a nickname and not their real ones!! |
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